I’m a liberal. So, naturally, I find all forms of conservatism to be deeply offensive, including but not limited to discrimination, homophobia, warmongering, anti-scientific attitudes, and free market circle-jerks.
If you were to prime my consciousness with the word ‘conservatism’ and hardwire my brain to a dot matrix printer (it seems only obsolete hardware is compatible with my operating system) my stream-of-consciousness would read something like this: cruel, aggressive, vindictive, myopic, paternalistic, authoritarian, xenophobic, medieval, anal-retentive, and, yes, I think the most destructive things in the history of education were, in no particular order, Bush, Bush, and people who barely graduated from high school but thought they should run for national office and manage education policy and were named George W. Bush.
But you’d be surprised to know that I don’t think we should throw every conservative into the deepest hole we can find (unless, of course, the conservative in question is guilty of illegally wiretapping American citizens, torturing prisoners of war, and lying their way into a multi-billion-dollar quagmire, in which case I’ll settle for an eight-by-six cell with bimonthly visitations and a television tuned invariably to Hardball with Chris Matthews). Why so generous?, you ask. Well – and this may be an uninspiring excuse, but it’s true nonetheless – it’s because I, too, was once a conservative.
I know, I know. It’d be so much easier to claim that Republicans, Tea Partiers, and Ayn Rand devotees are inherently evil, label myself a born-again liberal who was saved by the grace of his gradually maturing frontal lobes, and devote myself to proselytizing my revealed and unimpeachable Truth. But come on, what rational and open-minded person does that kind of stuff, anyway? Hell, it’s not like I’d be rewarded with an unlimited supply of sky cake for my efforts.
Not only am I trying to avoid the legacy of Biggest Asshole Who Ever Lived, but I also know that many conservatives are incredibly decent people. In fact, I’ve met some very intelligent, fair, and compassionate people who voted for Bush, claim that No Child Left Behind provides the accountability that our floundering school districts need, and believe that Glenn Beck is the second coming of Christ (okay, the last one’s an exaggeration on my part, but I’m sure even those folks aren’t so bad).
So, knowing that good people can believe some incredibly stupid, cruel, and Troglodytic things, I’ve always been curious about what sets people like me (circa 2011) apart from people like me (circa 2000). There are likely some fundamental and intrinsic differences between liberals and conservatives, differences that would predispose people to one orientation or the other. Some research has proposed conservatives are more cognitively rigid, have a lower tolerance for ambiguity, and are relatively more preoccupied by thoughts of their (inevitable/unpreventable/irreversible) death.
I fit at least two of the three of qualities listed above (I’ll leave you guessing as to which ones), so I may be able to explain at least part of my wayward youth (which complements the tried-but-sometimes-did-inhale part). But whether or not this research stands the test of time, there will be more of it, and eventually we’ll have better ideas about the origins of our (often idiotic) beliefs. So, whenever I celebrate a study that reveals how conservatives are reflexively moralistic, it’s not because I think conservatives are inferior or undeserving of respectful conversation – it’s because we’ll be one step closer to explaining why fat, bloviating bigots and divisive, hate-spewing lawn gnomes dominate the heart of an otherwise friendly America.
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