How to avoid sanctimony

I've gotten really ranty lately. I've started taking stands and making call-outs that I never would have taken or made before. Especially on Facebook, I've instigated debates (i.e. picked fights) about meat-eating, feminism, racism, mental health, the beauty myth, and more. With this change comes a certain measure of embarrassment. You see, I have led my life until recently with a heavy mix of obliviousness, indifference, and moral relativism. I wore my apathy with pride and didn't give a second thought to most social constructs. Even now, I have only figured out a handful of things among thousands, and I'm still messing up a lot of the remaining stuff. In fact, I'm sure that I'm still contributing to many of society's problem despite the modest shift in values that I'm currently undergoing.

Here is a short list of things I've done before that I am now embarrassed about:

-I applied for a job as a cocktail waitress at a strip club, and a server at Bone Daddy's (a Hooters-like restaurant). I turned down the cocktail waitress gig but probably would have taken the Bone Daddy's gig if it were offered.

-I've held many, many stereotypes.

-I've asked to pet a blind person's seeing-eye dog, and what's worse, I actually thought it was friendly and affirming for me to do so.

-I've nurtured and flaunted stereotypically masculine skills and interests in order to look cool to guys.

-Although I wanted to play saxophone in 6th grade, I switched to clarinet because I guy I liked said he was going to play clarinet. As it turned out, he played saxophone.

-Related to above, I disdained clarinet as too girly and idolized saxophone as more guyish and cool.

-I had a vague fear of/disdain for rap and hip hop music.

And here is a short list of things I still do, although I'm not sure if I should:

-I defend Eminem's entire catalog of music, including his most misogynistic songs (although I'm still not sure what to make of his gay-bashing).

-I use the word "wifebeater" in reference to a tank top.

-I feel anxious about wearing sweatpants in front of my boyfriend, as if I will only be attractive when dolled up for the male gaze (and as if attractiveness is the most important virtue to have anyway).

-I buy most products without researching exactly what horrors I'm supporting with my money.

-I hold many, many stereotypes and am still not able to overcome them fully.

-I blog about what people should do, despite not knowing what I should do in many contexts.


But I don't want to remain silent just because I wasn't born with the ability to recognize and embody social justice 100% of the time. As I wrote in my first entry, I want to share my explorations in the hope that other readers and I will find a mutually educational forum. Still, I am painfully aware of how easy it is for me to sound sanctimonious. After all, I still don't know whether to forgive the Beastie Boys for their blatant and glorified misogyny, which they renounced decades ago! (And it complicates matters that "Girls" is such a catchy song.) So, returning to the title of this entry, how do I avoid sanctimony? Should I just shut up and let people make their own decisions without my unsolicited opinion? Am I right for being an instigator on Facebook among the very friends who have supported me and enabled me to think more critically about my own choices? Or can I find a better way to instigate, and to minimize the tone of self-righteousness that I'm afraid lingers on everything I say and write? Is it an inescapable personality flaw of mine? Is it forgivable; does the content hold despite the delivery? I fear this role and don't know how to play it gracefully.

At the root of all this concern for how to be a proper activist, there is shame for things I have said and done in the past. I began this entry as an attempt to own up to these past transgressions, to apologize for my sanctimony. But as I wrap it up, I realize that my bigger aim is to encourage readers to agitate and share their own opinions despite their own past mistakes. After all, if I'm not "allowed" to speak up because I've been wrong before, then logically others aren't "allowed" either...and that is definitely a faulty conclusion--the only way I've changed is by being educated by others. So I'll keep blogging about these things like the loudmouthed amateur that I am, as long as you all do the same in your own ways. Because god knows if I get to have a soapbox, so does everyone else.