Overwhelmed

This is a post I have been wanting to write for a couple of years. It's a daunting task because the topic is tangled up in everything and I sincerely get overwhelmed just thinking about it, but I am going to try to chip away at it a little at a time. Here is the first strike of the chisel.

The topic is privilege. It is something I didn't devote any thought to for most of my life. Now I see it everywhere and think about it almost every day. I was first introduced to the concept of privilege when one of my grad school professors in 2008 assigned the article, White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh. I had never thought about most of these things. It had never occurred to me that it might be a strange (invalidating) experience to grow up never seeing representatives of one's own race on prime-time television, or only seeing them in highly stereotyped roles. It never occurred to me that I can "misbehave" in public (bad manners, rowdy behavior, underdressed for an event, or whatever) without worrying that I am not representing my race favorably--or even worse, that people are attributing these traits to my race and not just myself and my own choices.

McIntosh explains it much more eloquently than I can here. But in essence, I have become a true believer in the reality of white privilege, f which I am a frequent beneficiary (despite being only half-white). If I wasn't sure after reading that article, I was certain after attending a talk by Tim Wise at a Baylor event in 2009. He gave a great talk on white privilege, and it doesn't hurt that he reflected on his years in New Orleans at Tulane (I once lived in New Orleans and it remains close to my heart).

Here is the debate as I see it. I call it equality versus reparations. There are those of us who believe that the scoreboard has been wiped clean, or will be any day now, and that all races are now starting from about the same point (no head starts), and so social policy and such should aim for equality. Then, there are those of us who believe that even today, decades after slavery and the state-based implementation of equal rights, even the poorest, most disadvantaged Caucasian still has a leg up over equally-qualified minorities in almost every situation. In other words, the playing board is STILL far from even, and any semblance of "equality" will have to come through reparations or advantages given to minorities.

I am now in the latter group.

This may well be the most liberal, "radical" belief I've ever held. And yes, I know that it may say some incriminating things about my upbringing if I consider this a radical concept. But it totally changed the way I look at the world. I now see all kinds of privilege everywhere:

* Male privilege: You can walk out of your house feeling fairly confident that you won't be bombarded with sexualized, objectifying images of your fellow men, being used to sell everything from cell phones to ad space to hair pomade (you know all those commercials implying that some hot stranger will rub against you like a cat in heat if you use the right hair stuff). I don't have this privilege.

* Female privilege: I can play and roughhouse with small children, even children I hardly know, without people thinking I'm strange or wondering if I'm gay or a pedophile. Men don't have this privilege.

* American privilege: I can enjoy knowing that I live in a country where everyone else in the world wants to be. (I know this isn't accurate but I'm trying to capture the feeling, not the exact stats.) I live within the pop culture (music, movies, clothes, etc.) that much of the world tries to emulate. If this is hard to grasp, I think it might be parallel to how the rest of the country looks upon New Yorkers. Sure, there are always naysayers and people who are content elsewhere, but I think it's agreed that New Yorkers are generally seen as glamorous and in the middle of "where it all happens."

I'm rambling now, but I'll wrap it up with this example of how much I have changed without realizing it. I was hanging out with a friend two months ago, and without thinking I remarked that she posted some racially insensitive things online. Although I didn't say anything like, "You're such a racist!" that is basically how she heard it, and I won't argue that point. She was offended and defensive, and I remember being surprised. I didn't realize that my interpretation of her postings would be considered quite an overreaction, and an inaccurate read on her racial beliefs to boot. She then sarcastically said something like, "I didn't realize that I was over here in a white robe, burning crosses."

I got two things out of that exchange, a reality check for myself and one for people I may encounter in the future. I realized that I have gotten more sensitive, more accusatory, and more self-righteous about the topic of race. There are some jokes I can't laugh at anymore, and other jokes that I laugh at but then feel horribly guilty about. I am learning more, and trying to stand up for what I believe in more, than I ever have. I hope that one day I can state my beliefs more eloquently, respectfully, and approachably. But for now I am going to have to get used to being considered a drag, stick in the mud, hypocrite, Judgy McJudgerson, or just plain deluded and mean and rude.

But the other reality check came in the form of a response to my friend's remark, albeit later and in my head: "Just because you're not in the KKK, that doesn't mean you're not racist." And that thought isn't even directed toward her, because we didn't even get that far in the conversation so I don't intimately know her feelings about race. But there ARE a lot of people who think that's enough--that if you are nice to people of other races, and don't use explicit slurs, and don't pitch a fit when your child dates interracially (and yes, don't burn crosses), that you are doing your part to eradicate racism. BUT THAT IS NOT ENOUGH. Understanding white privilege, and recognizing it when it happens, and perhaps even relinquishing it when you can, might be a good start. This is one of my big goals, and I will be writing about white privilege and other forms of privilege in future entries.

(The word "racist": I would say that I hold some racist views and exhibit some racist behaviors--I think we all do. Nonetheless, I know that it was hurtful to my friend when I implied that she is racist, and it just a testament to her forgiveness that she allowed the incident to pass fairly peacefully, and didn't freak out when I told her I'd be writing this entry. Thank you, friend.)